Happy Ave

"What makes you alive??"
"high emotion, achievement, and feeling of caring someone."
I asked and answered myself.

在胡士托老爸說了"I feel alive"後，
最少每隔三小時我就會無意識的問自己一次，像這小時已經問了三次了。

最近常常想念笑的很笑的自己，
現在的笑還是很真心，但卻無法避免客套的笑、無奈的陪笑，
有很多時候雖然笑、或者沒笑、或是一個人時，
如果有人聽的到，其實我心裡很用力卻很小聲的在罵"Fuck!!!"
很像這個殘破的靈魂，除了罵Fuck，沒有其他方法搶回被掠奪的部分，
然而侵蝕卻仍在進行著，電影拍照音樂帶來的好心情持續的時間越來越短，
I'm still drowning and dying.

是的，請盡情的指責我的不知好歹，
在這樣一個經濟不景氣喊了十年之久的時代，
沒有被layoff，居然還猖狂的抱怨，
其實我很卑下的，因為沒有天生好狗運可以超順遂的往上升，
所以就算端端盤子我也覺得很快樂，
(no offense, 無可否認台灣的環境的確認為藍領比白領地位低)
沒有勞動、沒有用腦，到底有什麼資格喊累？
走到這裡，誰會相信我其實有多喜歡"工作"，
請不用在指派辛苦的拾荒阿嬤來告訴我有多幸運和幸福了，我懂，
但累的點在於被困在某處、靈魂一點一點的被剝除，
神不知鬼不覺，我就已經死去。

現在還看的到水平面上的殘木，
還在用沒力氣有點想放棄卻不停止揮動的手在抓那些殘木，
但我不知道抓到了之後會如何，
很擔心自以為那可以救命，才發現那是另一個水面下。

那天我自己一個人從誠品敦南走回中正紀念堂，
沒有戴上iPod阻隔這世界，我想聽聽台北的聲音，
沒有打傘，雨不大，並且想醒一醒，
散步的感覺很舒服，愜意的享受黑夜，想拍照就停，
但步行的終點，我還是抓不到自己。

who am i

I'm a nut but lived in rational I guess.

I love singing louder and louder when driving.
I love clubbing with a bit alcohol. I'm not hot nor sexy, but just love the feeling of moving and swinging.
I love to stay beneath the sunshine in a silent cafe.
I prefer contact to glasses. But for dry eyes reason, I can't wear contact too long.
Sometimes I ride 10 but sometimes 110, it depends. I cost 30 mins from Taoyuan to Taipei by 110 once.
I love sunrise, and also sunset.
I love cooking on my own way but making cakes or cookies by recipe.
I love movies, music, beer, coffee, and books sometimes.
I know how to smoke but not smoking.
I love travel but always lazy.
I'm not good at photographing but love it. Not only landscape but also human. Only I get no bravery to ask strangers for taking a picture.
I like mystery but so much scare at ghost or any story of its.
I talked about fucking, shitting, or damning. Not kidding, everyday.
I'm not a control freak but only sometimes I do love things in control.
I hate cheating.
I surprise at new technology but worry about the world warming problems; feel like shopping but don't know what to do with those people needed help.
I love mountains, sea, and cities. And lakes and rivers of course by the way. But sea and rivers have to be with blue sky.
I hate anyone saying that I'm fat. Really loathe it.
I care about how people see me. But after a long thinking, I can only tell myself, whatever, can't stop caring though.
I like to know new friends and meet old friends.
I'm so a extreme person.

So, how much do you know me?
But I guess I don't know you all either, do I?

選擇

做了一個選擇代表的意義是，放棄了其他的一些東西？

我實在很佩服那些能夠說出"做了決定就不要後悔"的話的人，
面對魚和熊掌明明不能兼得的狀況，
硬是做出的決定，我就一定會後悔，
可能不是當下，可能過沒多久，可能某個獨處，
我就是無法避免的冒出"如果當初做了另一個選擇會如何"的想法。

因為不知如何做選擇，所以得過且過，
但其實這也算是選擇了其中一條路，
腦袋很不清澈，聊天的冠冕堂皇我可能並不知道自己再說什麼，
除了酒精，我想自己應該更需要一場放逐。